A late Hafiz Valentine...

It's the day after valentines day, and yesterday I had my 7th chemotherapy treatment which means that, mercifully, I only have one more to go! I am so very relieved that this part of the treatment will soon be over. Yay. Anyway, my mom accompanied me to treatment yesterday and in honour of Valentines day (I know, I know it's a giant marketing play yada yada) we were reading one of my favorite sufi mystic poets from the 13th century - Hafiz. Master of Love. Anyway, here are a few that particularly struck me yesterday.

A happy belated Valentines day to one and all.

-Julia

The Day Sky

Let us be like

Two falling stars in the day sky

Let no one know of our sublime beauty

As we hold hands with God

And burn

Into a sacred existence that defies -

that surpasses

Every description of ecstasy

And Love.

Some Fill With Each Good Rain

There are different wells within your heart

Some fill with each good rain,

Others are far too deep for that.

In one well you have just a few precious cups of water,

that "love" is literally something of yourself.

It can grow as slow as a diamond

If it is lost

Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a

Stranger,

Only to someone

Who has the valor and daring

To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife

Then weave them in a blanket to protect you.

There are different wells within us,

Some fill with each good rain.

Others are far, far too deep

For that.

the eyebrow tribute

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.

-Andy Warhol

So it's that stage in the game where my eyebrows are becoming a mere shadow of what they once were. And my eyelashes. I'm beginning to feel like a freaky, adult size new-born....or something out of "Alien 5". One thing I find interesting is that you really don't think about your eyebrows too much in life until you start to lose them.

Having said that it suddenly occurs to me that I do know a lot of women who have spent many a painful hour plucking/waxing/fine-tuning their eyebrows. I was never one of these...and thankfully my eyebrows were never very unruly to begin with. All that to say that I haven't really given my eyebrows or eyelashes a whole lot of thought. Until now.

I find myself having some panicked moments imagining that my eyebrows won't ever grow back. This scares the living shit out of me. I'm too young to have to "pencil in" my eyebrows for the rest of my life! Seriously! It's bad enough I have a gigantic multi tiered pill box to deal with. This whole lack-of-eyebrow-hair thing is really too much for a 35 year old to take. I find myself glancing at random men sporting very Groucho Marx-esque eyebrows, beautiful and randomly sticking out and thick, and actually feeling jealous!

OK - things could be worse. Way worse. In fact, right now things are pretty dang fabulous. I am actually cancer free right now and feeling elated about it. It's strange though to still have to go through all of these small (and bizarre) annoyances.

Anyway here is my official good-bye (for now) to the eyebrows.

I'll never take you for granted again.

When your back I'll even take you to the spa and take good care of you.

Promise.

The coast is clearing...

Results are in....PET scan is negative: no detected cancer in my body.

One word: GRATITUDE.

How fitting that it was a beautiful, sunny springish/winter day today when the kind doctor walked in the office and handed me a now cherished piece of paper telling me the words I was so hoping to hear from him: Negative. I had been trying to prepare and strengthen myself to hear any possible outcome so I nearly jumped out of my seat for joy when he told me that the scan showed no cancer. So so very happy. I have had perma-heart, beaming-from-the-inside smile ever since reading the words: "No evidence of active disease". Every now and then I just have to pick it up and read it. How is this possible? For some reason right now it kind of boggles my mind.

So I wish I could also say that it's all over - but it ain't. Here is what may or may not happen next:

-I have 2 remaining chemo treatments (God help me!) on Feb. 14th (Happy Valentines day all you lovers out there) and on Feb. 28th. I will beg my sweet Oncologist to relieve me of my final two treatments. I know this will be a fruitless endeavour, but hey, you can't blame a girl for trying.

-On March 9th I have a CT scan which will determine whether there is any remaining mass in my chest which the PET scan can't show. The results of this scan will tell me whether I will need radiation. I am told that two thirds of people in my current situation do, more as a precautionary measure than for any other reason, so the jury is out on this one. I will get the results of this scan on/around March 11th. More waiting. Oh goody.

-If it turns out that I do in fact need radiation treatment it will start early April and last for 3 weeks, 5 days a week. The goods news is that from all i have gathered so far, radiation is a walk in the park compared to the rigours of my chemo regime. Of this I have little doubt. So bring it on, I say. Radiate the crap outta me if you must! :)

So there you have it. As you can see there are a lot of variables, and it may be the case that I will be finished all treatment as of Feb. 28th. Of course I will remain open to either possibility...but it would really ROCK if on the 28th I were freeeeee.

Anyway...the timing of all of this could not be any more perfect, as I have definitely been feeling like the runner of marathon reaching the end of her steam. I think I officially ran out about 5 or 6 days ago. This news def gives me that extra bit of "oomph" I will need to push through to the end of this absolute madness.

So please stay tuned...I'll continue to update. And I don't even know how to begin to thank all of you, known and unknown for all your kind thoughts, prayers, vibes, notes, emails, meals, cards and on and on and on.
There really is goodwill on the earth.
And sometimes things do go right.
And sometimes the PET scan does come out negative
and sometimes your disease disappears.

No. 78

It's not #87. It's #78. Get it straight.

small victory only a 2 hour wait till they stick me. or stuck me. i clutch my shiny red number. it's like a lottery ticket. shiny red lottery ticket. can you see the irony of it all in my tired half smile? barf. "Anticipatory nausea" is what they call it. if i weren't so sick and tired and sick of all of this waiting and vomit creeping slowly up my esophagus i might see the humour in it. i observe the man and his son across from me in the waiting room. i've seen them twice before. they are on my "shift". They always wait as long or longer than i do, they seem to have a quiet but close relationship....and the father seems somehow "resigned" to this process that he is undergoing. they talk "car talk". the father looks to be in his earlier sixties. they eat potato soup from the cafeteria and i like the smell. they're relaxed. I like them. who am I kidding though - I'm totally grasping at straws. It's a good past-time while my hands sweat and leave moisture spots on my lottery ticket. My number is called. No. 78. "that's me!!" i half yell and jump up waving my card. I head to the "Chemo suite" and leave the my jealous seatmates behind in the waiting room fog.

as soon as i get in the room i feel it. i feel the waves of nausea get bigger and bigger and loom larger and larger. And i am frustrated. and angry. and sad. i'm ashamed of myself for feeling nauseous and frustrated and angry and sad. I want to be strong. I want to be a warrior and a "fighter" and all that shit. I do not want to show any weakness in this room...but I can feel the vomit just sitting in my throat and I hear the machine that is filling me with poison/healing agents (?!) and feel it going through the needle into my vein...and i feel weak. very very weak. i feel the weight of the entire thing. the entire fucked up situation i am in. and it sucks. and i can't cry here. not now. not in this room around these people who may or may not be way worse off than I am. i can't do it. so i try so hard to think of something else. to repress it. but the tears start to come anyway. I try to hide behind the hanky and I feel like a bigger idiot. i feel like a coward. i wish i was stronger. oh the smell almost does me in - the putrid acrid smell of this room. I hate it. I'm such a baby.

it's finally over. No. 78 piles her shit in the car and goes home - barf bag in hand.
at this moment the remaining 2 feel like mount Fuji. God help me be strong.

A guide to killing time...

Welcome to a day in the life of "Yours truly" while I am undergoing treatment. I will now take you through a photo play-by-play of some activities I might engage in on a cold and snowy day such as this one. As you will see there is a whole lot time killing going on! BTW - the pill box you see above is the actual pill box that I now have to use due to the myriad of pills I now have to take. Talk about feeling 85!

Knitting!!
This beauty will eventually become a shawl for my mom. Knitting is something I've been doing waaaay too much of lately. It is the perfect killing time activity as you end up with something soft and comfy afterwards. If you need anything knit for yourself, a relative, a friend, a pet etc... let me know. Seriously....

God Bless the BBC.
If you feel yourself a sloth consider this and feel better: yesterday I watched 5 and 1/2 hours of this BBC series. Whats worse - it was made in 1976!!! That is the year I was born!!! You would think the "Duchess of Duke St" made in the late 70's would be intolerable on the boredom front...but I'm totally digging it. I find this both quite amusing and extremely scary.

Breaking out the tunes.
Alright - so I now have to admit that this photo was taken and nary a string was plucked. I have been ignoring this poor little instrument lately (it's that dang knitting I tell you!). Anyway, hopefully some day soon I will play a tune or two on the geeeetar, or Uke, or accordion, or something.

The super huge garden gnome puzzle.
This bad boy is a thousand teeny tiny brain numbing pieces. I didn't really grow up doing puzzles so this was a bit of a random purchase but it is amazing how completely engrossing and obsessive this can get. I'd highly recommend it! (Thanks for the inspiration, Kate!)

Reading, reading, reading...
In this case it is the Dictionary of Newfoundland English. My favorite. For the main-landers who are reading this - yes this is an actual dictionary. Look into it!

Meditateing...or...um...sleeping?
Lately they seem to be the same thing. Ah well. I try.

Tormenting the geriatric cat
Poor Kitty. These days she is often the target of my cabin fever. You can see it in the somewhat terrorized look in her tired old eyes. And yes, she does have seven toes. Poor old gal.

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So there you have it folks. It's been a challenge trying to fill my days with "low impact" things and not pluck my eyes out in sheer frustration in the process. Slowly but surely, though, I am surrendering to the process which, in this case, means giving up on doing many things knowing/trusting that soon enough I will be well enough to do them. This is an intense exercise in patience on many different areas: patience with my body and it's ability to heal, patience with myself and my racing sometimes out-of-control mind, patience with the discomfort and pain my body sometimes experiences, patience with the medical process and "system".

I think the hardest thing has been not having the energy to do the things I normally enjoy. Especially the small things I never paid much or any attention to before. I am finding that the farther I get in the treatments the bigger toll it takes on my body and I am forced to resign myself to at least a week of being house bound. It definitely gives me a new appreciation for people who experience chronic pain of any kind, or things that totally impede enjoyment of life. it is hard for me to believe now that some people go for many many years never having true relief! It is truly mind boggling.

I also came to the realization recently that for the past 4 plus months I have been basically in a survival mode. I'm not sure why or how this fact just struck me, but in realizing this I also realized that there will be an awful lot of processing going on when this is over. As I look ahead into the not too distant future it is hard for me to conceive of life going "back to normal". I have a hard tome remembering what normal is/was for me. Anyway - these are some things I've been thinking about as well.

The light at the end of this tunnel rests in the fact that hopefully I will be done my chemo treatments very soon! My last one should be on the 28th of Feb depending on the results of the PET scan and the CAT scan. Man - so many acronyms!! If these scans some back negative, meaning - the cancer is gone - this means my treatment will be totally finished!! I hope and pray that this is the case.

Last thing - for those f-book folks who have been asking me about good books I have been reading: my favorite series right now is a 4 book fantasy series called "Game of Thrones". I'm usually a Can-lit kindof girl so this is way off what I would normally read - but these are amazing and totally great for escape.

That's it that's all.

Again - many thanks again for all the amazing messages I've been getting. I've been so blown away by all of the people who have been getting in touch with me...thank you for all your thoughts.

much love and peace - julia

remaining vulnerable

It's a grey and rainy evening here in Guelph town and I am yearning to see the blinding whiteness of sunny, snowy, crisp days that are the usual for mid-January.

I miss winter.

Anyway, with all the spare time I have these days I happened upon an old journal entry from 2009. I was shocked at how appropriate it is for me at this point in my life.

Here it is:

Remaining vulnerable

Try not to harden against that soft spot inside.
Let it grow.
Don't be afraid.
Cultivate the feelings of rejoicing
both for yourself and for others.
Try to catch when you are closing down on yourself.
Stay with the vulnerability in whatever kind of feeling you are experiencing.
Trust in the fundamental openness which is your true nature.
Train yourself to stay in the present... where the joy is.
It holds the root of your happiness.

So there is my contribution for the day.
Peace out,
-Julia

On Baldness, and Christmas and stuff...

I'm Bald!!!!!

So now that I have your undivided attention....Happy New year!!!

It's 2012. Hard to believe. I have mixed feelings about saying good-bye to 2011. It was an amazing year for me in many ways. I got to do what I love to do for an absolutely amazing theatre company with people whom I truly love and respect. I couldn't have asked for more. Here is a plug for the most beautiful show that, fortunately, I was well enough to attend in December: http://www.jumbliestheatre.org/upcoming/like-an-old-tale/ Unfortunately the show is now over, but check out this amazing site anyway...it represents the culmination of almost 3 years of work for me and my beautiful and talented colleagues, as well as so many beautiful and inspiring community members.

The end of 2011, however, was obviously much more difficult, and I have to say that it won't be hard to to 'bid adieu' to the past few months of the "cancer grind" (with the knowledge that I still have half a mountain to climb). Please, 2012...be kind.

So the latest on the treatment front:

-This Tuesday I finished my 4th chemotherapy treatment which means I am officially half way through!!!! HOORAY!!!! This is a pretty major milestone...just knowing I am over the hump is a big deal.

-I have a first radiology consultation next week in the case that I need to have radiation after the chemo. I am crossing all fingers and toes that this is not the case. But "Que sera, sera".

-My P.E.T scan is scheduled for Feb. 6 which will basically tell me exactly how my progress is going, whether the chemo is doing it's job and whether I will need radiation as well. Quite a lot hinges on these results, but I am more than ready to get whatever news and get on with it....as they say.

In other news, I was overjoyed to have been able to spend Christmas with my family in Ottawa. It was looking a little precarious there for awhile, but thankfully all worked out and I had an amazing 2 weeks being pampered by my parents and friends. And to top it all off, my cousin had her beautiful baby girl while I was in Ottawa...Isabella Jean. What a perfect gift for the holidays!

Speaking of perfect gifts....I bought myself a sweet little parlour acoustic guitar as a gift to myself this year. I'll post a pic sometime soon.

One other major highlight for me was making up impromptu songs (complete with actions) with my niece and nephew. My 3 year old nephew decided the first song would be called "Kitty pooped her pants" (Kitty is the name of my cat), and the other song he decided would be called "Big Bald Head" (of course referring to mine!). So we had a concert where we sang them both...to a somewhat astonished little crowd. In a word: Hilarity.

Anyway, I truly hope this year holds wonder, excitement, deep fulfillment and is 100% Cancer free for all of you!!! I'm learning a whole heck of a lot right now, but one of the major things is: Enjoy the moment. It really is all we have. The "right now". Make it count.

I also just wanted to say thank you again to all of you for everything, and bear with me if I haven't gotten back to you. I guarantee your name is written down in my planner...too many lists!! ;)

Big Love, Julia
xo